The Greenhorn

A PORTION OF WHAT SEEMED TO BE NONSENSE

I cannot seem to form coherent sentences.

There was just a mass of chaotic words, coming out of nowhere…. I wanted to express myself, but I cannot vividly convey what I wanted to convey in the first place. What I have is just a mass of incoherent words forming incoherent sentences which later on form into a nonsense blabbering.

If there’s anything that I fear, that would be to lose my ‘gift’ of writing. With this I do not mean that I am a talented writer; being a good writer, in my own altruistic belief, is embracing the craft itself. It wouldn’t really have to be people enjoying your craft or the things that you write; the fact that you have a love for the art; you are a good writer in the very essence of the word.

I’ve been typing, backspacing, re-typing and deleting for the past hour. Yes, I am again on the writer’s block dilemma. I cannot write. No—I cannot write anything substantial.

I want to crush my brain, throw the keyboard and let go of my angst for not being able to write. But then again, if I would do such thing, I know I’d be fooling myself. I’ve always seen writing as an avenue for me to able to express innermost feelings and extreme emotions….. I am not feeling devastated because I cannot write anything essential. I feel devastated because I feel shattered and broken—and this is the very reason why I cannot write. For I am using writing to let go of my angst and disappointments.

I am pressured. I am pressured with the heavy work load that I have in my acads. I just finished writing the first three chapters of our thesis; we’ve defended it, and we are to proceed. In one subject we’re asked to write ten reaction papers of ten articles that we should relate to Social Dimensions of Education. I know I loved writing, but ten reaction papers is no easy thing to do. In a way, it would not be impossible that I will be running out of words and ideas.

I am still faced with tons of requirements, final exams, class presentations and a lot more which I would no longer mention. Two weeks to go before the semestral break and I can hardly wait. I JUST WANT THIS SEMESTER TO BE OVER. I love learning, I feel affection for it, but I don’t think I am still catching up on the process with these entire work loads in front of my desk— yes, I am no longer learning. Again, I would agree with what Mark Twain has said, “Never let schooling interfere with your education.” I might be spending wee hours finishing all the requirements but what do I get? Eye bags which will, sooner or later, reach my waist level. I want real education. And I am sorry, I know I am an education major, but it is indeed a fact that we cannot learn everything in the four corners of the room. We have to go out and explore. Real learning is in the world outside the box.

I do not curse my education; in fact, I am forever grateful that I am a scholar in such a reputable university. Maybe am just pressured. People might tell me to take things easy; with the kind of professors that we have, such statement is unpardonable. Taking things easy would mean suicide in your PLM career.

Other things, aside from the heavy work load, bring pressure in me. I don’t know if I am right with what I feel, but I think I am losing my intimacy with another person whose name’s still withheld upon request. My boyfriend and I had been too busy lately, working in our own worlds. He’s been busy with his work, and I, with my academic engagements and deadlines to meet as a part time writer. We still exchange messages, see each other once in a while, but what we had before seemed to be gone because of our personal activities. It was only now that I have realized; we’re losing our intimacy. I do not mean that I am falling out of love. I love him still the same, I care for him and think about him every waking day, but the idea of all the things that should be done and taken care of for the whole day would top over the ‘caring and affection’ thing. Whenever I am free, he’ll be occupied. If he’s free, I am into an engagement. We cannot meet at a single point. And I badly miss him. I miss our laugh, I miss the jokes, I miss the touch of his palm, I miss the companionship and friendship…. Yet, I am not afraid that I missed him so much. What I actually fear is the day that I would stop missing him and vice versa….. That we would be strangers to each other. That if our eyes meet, the burning sensation which used to be present will be transformed into an ice cold stare. That we will no longer familiarize the love that we have.

Nevertheless, I am still in love with him and I do not have any plans of leaving.

If you continually read up to this part, I am sorry. You’ve just read a mixture of my brain and emotions. I am sorry if you were burdened with such unessential piece of writing. Don’t blame me, though. I think I have warned you enough with the title.

Til next time.